BLINDSIGHTED

Girl, let me tell you my story. I’m exhausted and haven’t slept or eaten in over 24 hours. I went to work and don’t even know how it is that I managed to write competent e-mails to my clients, since I was bawling the whole time and couldn’t see through the curtain of tears. Yesterday, the man that I had lived with and supported for years walked out on me. He freaking walked out on me. Something was up because he was acting funny for most of the day and he left for a few hours to “think.” He didn’t say about what and it was not unusual because he’s big on thinking but apparently not big on communicating. He comes home, tells me he no longer loves me, and starts packing a suit case. I look at him in stunned silence, not knowing what to say. I don’t think I even understood what he said. I had what I imagine was the “blank” look until he pulled out the suit case and started flinging his belongings into it. I stood in the middle of our living room as he walked from room to room gathering who knows what. I was sobbing uncontrollably, shoulders shaking as violently as the leaves of a eucalyptus tree coming off in the middle of train storm, reeling in pain wrapped in my most comfortable blanket. I should even say I was crying because I’m crying as a I write this entry, I hear a clattering, kind of like the sound of plates being stacked on each other and I realize my mouth is quivering and that my teeth are chattering, like they do when you’re cold, you know?

I started following him around. Sobbing hysterically, I said, “I don’t understand. What’s wrong? “What did I do? What I am supposed to do?” I stood there begging him to stay, asking him not to leave to me. I asked him to explain what was wrong, what couldn’t be fixed, what couldn’t I change or solve. I regret saying those things but what else was I supposed to do? Isn’t it amazing the things we do in the name of love. Well, maybe it’s not amazing, it’s just freaking ridiculous. No it’s ludicrous. Did I mention that he slept with me the night before? I even said, “You slept with me!” “I didn’t know yesterday” was his lousy ass answer.
Between the thoughts of why is he leaving, what am I supposed to do, I was thinking how can I face my family, my friends, my co-workers, everyone. How am I supposed to tell anyone what happened?

I don’t know how I did it but I went to work today after a sleepless horrible night in the bed we used to share. And now, here I am, blogging about this in the home we formerly shared with all of his crap still throwing itself in my face. My second regret was not kicking him in the balls when I had the chance to.

It’s only Monday, how am I supposed to make it through the rest of the day much less the week?